I’ve Got a Nietzsche Trigger Finger!

(A Brag)


Fifth Estate # Daily Barbarian Number 3

Fifth Estate Home > Issue 319, Winter, 1985 >

“Anyone, provided that he can be amusing, has the right to talk of himself.”—
— Baudelaire

Please allow me to introduce myself…

I am Black the Knife, I am secretly famous, I have designer genes. I’m on a macropsychotic diet, I’m anarchorexic, I underwent paleolithium treatment, I’m the 6-Pac-Man! I not only know Who Wrote the Book of Love, I edited out the mushy parts! I practice satantric yoga, I graduated Summa Cum Loudmouth from Miskatonic University, I’m feeling my Quixotes! I taught Mao Zedong to swim: I taught Hitler to hang wallpaper: I taught Anne Sullivan how to say “water”: I taught “Bob” how to inhale. I broke the common code, I tripped the Great Leap Forward!

I wrote my own scriptures, the Darth Vedas. Everywhere I go, cargo cults spring up in my wake, I smoke Potlatch! I drew attention to the savant problem, I stomp strip-minders and bully banal-retentives, I put the satire back into satyriasis, I demand special privileges for everybody.) cut the deck all the way down’ to steerage. I threw Snowballs at Napoleon—I revealed that Reagan’s makeup is Khmer rouge—I ploy James Brady’s skull like a piccolo. A malchemist, I turn gold into lead, I’m impropertied, I run a Duck Soup kitchen, I showed that Aquarius is not a Roman queer. As for the family I say, “Inc’est la vie!”

I perform cynicalisthenics, I exorcise without even working up a sweat, I run on dialectricity, I go whole-hog-wild! I said “Yo’ Mama!” to Dada! I say “Fuck ’em even if they can take a joke!” After My Dinner With Andre Breton he got his just desserts! I got “Doktors for ‘Bob'” to write me a ‘scrip—with unlimited refills. I took an Eris Poll and won’t give it back! I organized Detournement of Roses, I flung the ne plus ultra-left against de rigor mortis, I tell everyone not to do what I say! I’m behind the odd-ball, my ancestor was Putdown Man! Judge Crater freed me on my own recognizance, I ask: “What would Harpo say?”

For me, know ain’t nothing but no misspelled, and all cretins are liars. I go-for-baroque, I’m a lowlife hierarch, I picked the Locke and entered the Avant-Garden of Eden. I got Spartacus to take the rap for me! I’m the heavyweight Light-Bringer, I’m the out-of-court jester who won’t settle, I up the vigilante, I’m a law unto myself but break it anyway! I made a forced landing on the Moebius Strip and now I want to know, which side are you on?


Is this too egotesticle? Complain to: 2000 Center St., #1314, Berkeley, CA 94704 U.S.A.