Hold high the banner of Mao Tsetung’s immoral contributions and the achievements and lessons of the Cultural Revolution!
COMRADES! Fellow Marxist-Leninists of the Revolutionary Proletarian Vanguard!
Let us be open and honest, using the revolutionary method of criticism-self-criticism to sum up the experience of the Mao-Tse-Tung Memorial Meetings we called for September. Quite frankly, they were a flop! Although we blighted every city and college campus with our large, garish signs (much like this one) virtually no one showed up to pay $3.50 to hear us praise the Great Helmsman for his revolutionary virtues. No one seems to take our praise of this great revolutionary seriously anymore.
The hearts and minds of the proletariat have been poisoned by the noxious slander of anarchists and other counter-revolutionaries that Mao was just another manipulative politician who clothed his crimes in the argot of socialist and historical inevitability. Comrades!
Let us not even honor such blasphemies with a reply!
Everyone is already convinced of everything anyway!
Instead, at our next Memorial Meeting we propose to outline the little known but nevertheless important contributions Mao made to universal culture and therefore to the glorious triumph of the socialist state.
A HISTORY OF ACHIEVEMENT.
Unbeknownst to many, Mao:
* Invented the science of agronomy in 1909!
* Swam from Corsica to Hong Kong in 1923, proving that man is superior to fish!
* Pulled a fully loaded railroad train from Nanking to Ulan Bator, Mongolia in 1928, using only his teeth!
* Completed the Long Walk or Extremely Long Stroll or Great March, we have forgotten) in 1936 hopping on one leg!
* Using the wisdom of Mao Tse-Tung Thought, succeeded in inventing everything else besides agronomy, including Hostess Twinkies, neo-Platonism, the English Garden, and electricity in 1937!
* Personally appeared in a vision to Kahlil Gibran in a Beirut Couscous stand in 1946.
* Achieved state power without anyone’s help, single-handedly in 1949; offered to marry the Queen of England as a gesture towards world peace; offered to marry Mamie Eisenhower; offered to marry Ethel Merman; offered to marry Mahatma Gandhi; married Madame Mao and opened up a chain of pizzerias in Malaysia all in one week!
* Banned Beethoven in 1969 and secretly invited Chuck Berry to head the Cultural Revolution!
* Levitated the Great Wall of China for a brief period of time over the city of Passaic, New Jersey in 1971!
* Produced a bumper crop of yams all astonishingly shaped like the profile of Nixon, 1975. He sold these yams to the rightist governments of Chile, Iran, and to NATO, thus transforming them biochemicodialectically into progressive anti-Soviet forces!
Comrade Mao shines like a red beacon in a window for our movement in the U.S.! We take his Words seriously: “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” And we intend, using the achievements of the science of Mao Tse-Tung Thought to concentrate in the hands of our party all the power, the guns and the barrels!