CHICAGO, LNS—City Hall sources were buzzing this morning as the mayor’s office shamefacedly admitted to what may be one of the greatest blunders in the history of law enforcement. A mud-splattered blue Chevrolet van carrying 14 dangerous political criminals had passed through the clutches of the city’s police and was allowed to escape through what Mayor Daley called “criminal negligence” on the part of his force early Sunday morning.
The D.A.’s office is studying the case to see if further action can be taken in the light of these new developments.
Arresting officer J.B. Dipshit gave this version of what happened. “At about 3:07 a.m. on December 3rd I noticed a blue van with the legend. MC5 painted on the side pull out of a gas station at the corner of Armitage Avenue and Dayton Street. Since the offending vehicle had no taillights I was obliged to request the driver to follow me downtown and post a bond, which he did.” The bond was a measly $25.00.
The Trojan horse went rolling right through Chicago in the early morning hours, and no one knew. Disguised as long-haired freekos, some of the most dangerous people in the plot to overthrow the government eluded detection by the police by pretending that their only crime was not having taillights on a psychedelic van. And disguised as a rock and roll band members of the White Panther Party slipped through the ever-watchful police net as the good people of Chicago slept on.
As the van pulled into the station house Minister of Information John Sinclair woke up surrounded by thousands of cop cars. “Holy shit, let’s get out of here. They got us on conspiracy!” In the dim light of the van could be seen arch-fiend Jerry Rubin and his henchwoman Nancy Kurshan, an evil pair. Next to them were Minister of Defense Pun Plamondon and his woman Genie, already wanted by police for violation of state narcotics laws in Traverse City, Michigan. They were flanked by representatives of New’ York and San Francisco Newsreel, Liberation News Service (NY), and the Fifth Estate, including White Panther Detroit Captain Alan Gotkin. National Captain Steve Harnadek, the driver of the vehicle, was inside the station house with Sinclair’s wife Magdalene, posting the bond while the others passed around the token inside the van.
The conspirators were returning from the New Media Conference in Madison, Wisconsin, where they had been meeting with the brothers and sisters of the underground revolutionary media from all over the country. The Ann Arbor White Panther contingent had agreed to drop off Brother Rubin in Chicago, where he was to make a court appearance on an August conspiracy charge two days later before traveling to Washington D.C., for the resumption of the HUAC Chicago conspiracy hearings. Rubin was seen in Washington Wednesday wearing a Santa Claus costume and pointing a toy gun at straight media reporters.
In Chicago Monday, Superintendent of Police J.B. Conlisk Jr. emerged stone faced after being called on the carpet by Dead-Eye Dick Daley. “I have assured-the chief that all possible measures are being taken to prevent any recurrence of this sort of thing,” Conlisk told Fifth Estate reporters in an exclusive interview. “I have also been in conference with the City Council (a body which has been declared invalid by Chicago courts—ed.), who assure me that the recommendations made by my department for increased funds in the coming budget will receive top priority. Emergency funds of 5 million dollars are being made available to buy Bell Telephone’s latest radar devices for sniffing out undesirables, creeps, freeko-revolutionaries, and beatnik pervert mothergrabbing commie jews.”
“At least you can spot a nigger,” Conlisk added, “but these new left subversives are not as obvious as some people think. They use disguises. They are a menace and we will not tolerate their dissent.”